All About Psychotherapy & Counseling

Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  Giving thanks tends to conjure up images of the good things in life: abundance, love, health, wealth, and so on.  I recently have been thinking of times in my life that were very difficult or painful, but in the end shaped me and gave me something rich.  I am grateful for these times, because they brought me into a much deeper experience of life.

Many of the heartbreaks in my life came from having my illusions shattered.  Every illusion I had was somewhat of a carrot on a stick, dragging me on a path away from myself.  These illusions mostly took on the form of a lover, somebody that I made more important to me than myself.  Getting dumped by any of these lovers caused a lot of pain, of course, but after the dust cleared and the pain subsided, there was just a little bit more of me to hold onto.  Eventually, there were no illusions left, and no one to surrender my power to.  Now, I stand next to my husband and know that we are equally powerful and wonderful.  Thanks to our past heartbreaks, we both have strong selves to hold onto, and can cherish each other without clinging.

My mistakes in life are all very important lessons that I am grateful for.  When I was just fresh out of college, I had no clue about how to manage money.  I made huge mistakes and leapt into an impressive financial quagmire that only I could take credit for.  That made more of an impression on me than any money-management class could have.  Without the financial car wreck, and the subsequent lessons learned in how to fix it, I doubt I would understand the importance of managing money well.  I also would not appreciate my own efforts in that department.  Ironically, a humiliating mistake taught me skills that are now a source of pride for me, and for that, I am grateful.

So, on Thanksgiving as you express gratitude for the good things in life, you also might add the mistakes and heartbreaks to your list.  Who would you be without them?

 

Originally, I was going to title this post, “You Can’t Be True to Yourself without Disappointing Someone.”  Then I thought about something that I tell people when they worry that making a tough personal choice will hurt or disappoint someone: “You are not disappointing that person, their expectations of you are disappointing them.” This is an important distinction.  Our personal choices are ones that we make in order to be true to ourselves.  There will always be somebody who has an expectation of what those choices should be.  There is no way to cater to everyone’s idea of who we should be and what we should do.  Sometimes, we have to make choices that don’t live up to those expectations.

Perhaps you have been dating someone for a while.  That person has decided that you are “The One,” but you have never really been sure that this relationship is one you want to commit that deeply to.  There may be real problems in the relationship that your lover is ignoring, due to this overriding illusion that you are theirs for life, the answer to their problems.  You can see just how much pain this person will be in when you break up with them, so it is very difficult to do so.  Still, you have a deep and insistent feeling that staying would be harmful to you in the long run.  

You might think that you are about to make a choice that will damage this person somehow. In reality, your lover’s expectation of you as “The One” is the weapon that is already causing the pain for both of you.  If it isn’t based on the truth, then catering to it will only cause more damage.  In the short run, it will be difficult to speak your truth. In the long run, that same truth will set you free from trying to fit into something false. The truth will also set your lover free from clinging to something that isn’t really there. 

The idea of a man getting pregnant and giving birth is fabulously provocative. It implies some kind of biological miracle. No wonder America has been a little bit obsessed with Thomas Beatie, the "pregnant man," the guy in the People magazine photos with a hairy belly and a massive baby bump. He represents a challenge to the very basics of human reproduction {Click for Full Review}

 

 

Note from Dr. DeMarco: I work with transgendered patients daily, and can tell you the community is humming with the news that Thomas Beatie is pregnant again.

“If you don’t already know, I’m not going to tell you.”  In some relationships, this is a classic response to the question, “Is something wrong?”  One person unwittingly offends the other.  Instead of speaking up, the offended person withdraws, often into the silent treatment, expects the offender to read his or her mind, and becomes angry if asked to actually say what the problem is.  Either the offended party doles out more silent treatment, or snaps at their partner for not already knowing what the problem is.

This behavior reminds me of trying to talk to a friend’s child who hadn’t quite learned how to talk yet.  This boy knew exactly what he was saying, and expected me to understand it in the way he was saying it.  I am sure his parents have figured out his particular code of grunts and gestures, but I certainly have not.  As I tried to understand what he wanted from me, he became more and more frustrated that I wasn’t understanding him, and he started to gesture and grunt more wildly and angrily. Unfortunately for him, there was no way for me to decode his meaning, and no interpreters were nearby.  Also, there was no way for him to find a way to make his meaning clear to me, so he did not get what he wanted, whatever that may have been.

Just like this child, the offended partner feels that they have been perfectly clear about what has offended them, and feels the same frustration as the child does, in not being understood.  Maybe previous partners knew how to decode this secret language, just as the child’s parents have learned to do.  Maybe the silent treatment worked on others, evoking a certain desired response.  Whatever the reason, this person needs to learn how to use their words to explain just what the problem is, no matter how frustrating or vulnerable this feels.  

Both partners can change this dynamic.  If you are more likely to say, “If you don’t know, I am not going to tell you,” then you can learn to pause and explain what has hurt you.  If you are more likely to be the recipient of this demand for mind-reading, you do not need to scramble to do the mind-reading.  You can say something along the lines of, “I know that you feel that I should understand what you are going through, and I would like to, but unless you tell me, I can’t do anything to make it right.”  These ingrained habits are hard to change, but it is worth the time and trouble.  After all, as a couple you are in a partnership with each other rather than in a war against each other.   

   

Image via Wikipedia · If your partner is obese, you are more likely to be obese.

· If your partner does not quit smoking, then you are less likely to be successful in quitting.

· If your partner has heart disease, then you are more at risk for heart disease.

So if you want to kill your spouse, the best route short of prison, appears to be to take on an unhealthy lifestyle. Your unhealthy lifestyle is likely to encourage the same lifestyle for your spouse, increasing his or her chance for a premature death.

On the other hand, your lifestyle choices can not only benefit you but also your mate. By making changes in your health habits, you can extend your life and that of your spouse. What is the best way to make sure that your partner joins you in healthy change?

Discuss the Health Benefits You are Striving For

Research has shown that focusing on positive outcomes with clear health benefits can motivate change. Tell your partner what you wish to accomplish. Avoid pushing you partner to adopt the same goals. If he or she is not prepared to adopt these goals, then such a push is unlikely to be successful.

Discuss Potential Stumbling Blocks and Enlist Your Partner’s Help

It is beneficial to anticipate obstacles to change. This is not negative thinking, because you are also considering ways to avoid or overcome such obstacles. By enlisting your partner’s cooperation in this effort, you will motivate your partner to consider the effort necessary for change. Indirect suggestion that change is possible is more powerful that full frontal assault on your partner’s resistance to change.

Encourage Your Partner to Verbalize Objections to Change

When your partner suggests that attempts to change are likely to be fruitless, it is tempting to argue that change is possible. Instead, listen to your partner and show acceptance for his or her viewpoint. Clarify your mate’s views and the reasoning underlying these views. Accepting his or her views as legitimate will not encourage your partner’s negative thinking, it will actually soften such thinking. Arguing for your view will create polarization, a hardening of one’s position.

Ultimately, the most powerful force for change will be your success in change. If you stop smoking, then your behavior will demonstrate that stopping smoking is possible. Regular exercise will yield results that will demonstrate the benefits rather than simply talking about them.

Your effort to improve your behavior will not necessarily result in your partner’s change, but you can rest assured that you have done your best to be a positive influence on your partner’s health.

Join Bryan Miller and Kerri Kannan for an all new World Awakened Talk Radio interview with Lisa Dale Miller, MFT
World Awakening Radio
Sunday, Nov. 23, 9:00pmEST/6:00pmPST

I'll be talking about personal and global transformation, Buddhist psychology, mindfulness in psychotherapy, and a whole lot more.

Last week I went to a conference specifically for couples training. I walked away with a lot of information, but one caveat that stood out is how many couples engage in situations which prevent them from achieving the thing they want most. Many couples I work with complain of wanting more intimacy or "connection," in their relationship. However, they sabotage any chance of obtaining that intimacy because they cannot be honest with themselves, nor their partner. The relationship becomes built upon façades and masks...for each person to only see what they think their partner wants to see, rather than showing each other who they "truly" are.

As the relationship continues, the need to appease each other becomes more important than maintaining their own values and beliefs. Whether it's because they want to "keep the peace," or are afraid of hurting their partner, it's often seen that couples begin to "bite their tongue" or "pick and choose their battles." What ends up resulting is resentment and frustration. Neither of these feelings are productive nor beneficial towards fostering an intimate relationship.

The bottom line is you can't be intimate if you can't be honest....with yourself....with your partner.

When the world says, "Give up, "Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."~Author Unknown


There are some days when you just can't. Can't go to work. Can't go to class. Can't be calm. Can't feed your body. Or can't stop eating. Can't deal. Can't stand it when..... Just Can't.

Like lightening during the day, the negative voice is there, flashing away. Telling you that you can't. If you pay close attention, you will hear it. The feelings are the thunder. When they are big and heavy and overwhelming, then you know that the lightening, the voice, is hard at work in your head.

Most of the time, we just go about our day. Or we don't. We stay stuck in the muck of the bad feelings. But if we are willing to stop, and then to pay attention to the thunder, and then to listen to that voice, we will begin to hear what is really going on in our head.

Can't. Can't. Can't.

And then we can talk back. We can change the can't. The other day I was walking across the street at a crosswalk on a slightly busy residential block. When I started out there was a car coming down the block, but at least a few hundred yards away. As I started out, the car sped up. And then, of course, so did I. It blew by me. As I got to the other side. I started feeling pretty bad. Somewhere between mad and sad, frustrated and resentful.

Voice: You can't stand it when people do that! You can't even cross a street peacefully. You can't catch a break today!

Reality: I don't like it when people are not paying attention the way I want them to (but I can stand it). I can cross the street just fine. Best to pay attention to the cars though. My legs are working, the air is fresh and the leaves are looking lovely.

I am not suggesting that we all turn into Miss Cheery Sunshines, or dismiss our feelings. Quite the opposite, I am thinking we can honor the feelings by paying attention to distortions. I am thinking that we can pay attention to the can'ts, and rewrite them. It goes along way. But if we are not willing to consider that there are ways out, ways up, then we may stay stuck.

There are real sadnesses in life, of course, and there are many frustrations and disappointments, but the can'ts make things seem a lot more hopeless. Sad is sad. You may not like feeling sad, but you can stand it, and take good care of yourself. You may not always know what to do, or how to do it, but you can learn.

It's about giving yourself a chance to learn what you can yes do. Not what the voice tells you that you can't. And then to look up at the possibilities.

As parents we educate our children/teens about drugs and alcohol citing the addictive nightmares this can have on their lives.  But, are you aware that cutting oneself, eating disorders, porn, anxiety, virtual gaming, shopping and gambling can also be addictive and have similar results?

Cutting or self-injurious behavior is when a teen uses an object to cut on the skin in an attempt to draw blood.  There are many reasons why they may engage in this ritual.  They may feel hopeless, depressed or anxious.  Bullying, attention-seeking, wanting to punish someone or joining a peer group are also some of the reasons why cutting may start.

There are chat rooms which encourage kids to cut.  They explain in detail where to cut, the best instrument to use, the angle so as ot to go too deep and how to get more blood to come out.  The problem here is that once a teen begins to cut as a form of emotional release or to numb out it can become habit forming.

Developmentally, your teen is trying to figure out who they are and are leaning on their peer group more than you.  This is normal for them.  What is NOT normal is a group of friends that encourage cutting or other forms of self-injury.

I encourage you to get to now your child’s friends.  Be supportive and willing to talk about what is bothering them.  Watch your teen for signs of depression, anxiety, or cuts that can not be explained.  If you discover that your teen is cutting, take it seriously.  Many times the cutting becomes deeper resulting in an injury that may be life-threatening.

In all ways stay connected.